This week’s prompt for Friday Writings at Poets and Storytellers United is to rewrite a discarded poem or slice of prose from long ago. So, I went digging into notebooks past and found a poem I wrote after the First Husband’s Spirit soared into the Universe 27 years ago. I give you first, my rewrite.
Lemon Drops and Jelly Beans
yellow, red, purple, pink
lemon drops, yellow
jelly beans—red, purple, and pink—
sealed in your glass jar
sitting on your desk
for how many months
only the sun seeing it
I see it now only
clearing out your desk
music in the background
drowning my melancholy
the imaginary rustle of your candy bag
yellow, red, purple, pink
©️Susan Echaore-McDavid
Here’s the original piece.
Lemon drops and Jelly Beans
yellow, red, purple, pink
how many months old
sealed in your glass jar
sitting on your desk
only the sun seeing it
me seeing it now only
because I’m cleaning up
Jennifer Warren of the
early 80s singing out
my melancholy
and I hear someone
out there with your
voice calling, making
noises as you did
♾️
To check out other writers, head over to Friday Writings.
Hi Susie, nice to meet you! Thanks for your visits on my blog. Have a great weekend! Hugs, Valerie
ReplyDeleteCheers, Valerie!
DeleteI had to change browsers to comment. These are simply beautiful. Have a very nice day and thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you again at my blog.
ReplyDeleteThanks! Seems like anytime Blogger makes a change of some sort, the ability to make comments go off kilter. I appreciate you persevering to make it work.
DeleteLove the revised refined version My favourite line "the imaginary rustle of your candy bag' and love how you ended with the colours again
ReplyDeleteThank you, Marja.
DeleteBoth are sweet, moving, and ultimately joyous – and yes, the second version is crisper and thereby has more impact. This exercise (as demonstrated by a number of us) really lends weight to Wordsworth's 'emotion recollected in tranquility'.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Rosemary. This was a very interesting to edit a draft decades later rather than days or weeks later.
DeleteI agree with Marja and Rosemary. The second is crisp with no distractions. For me the "Jennifer Warren of the early 80s" took me away on a rabbit trail. The second version kept me on point and mood. I love the last line.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Debi. Back then, I had a Jennifer Warren album that was my go to hear when I was feeling off.
DeleteI like both versions, but there is such power in the rewrite. The imagery and feelings have simmered, evolved. There is still grief, but not the kind that makes us want to fall on our knees and sob.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Magaly.
DeleteDid you enjoy getting to dig in and rewrite? It's nice to rework older pieces.
ReplyDeleteThe editor in me took over, which is fun and satisfying. The moment of the poem was like it was yesterday at the same so long ago.
Deletewow - 27 years. What a piece to revisit. Peace to you and good call on the Jennifer Warrens.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Brother Ollie. :-)
DeleteI had chills all over as I read both versions ... your rewrite is amazing!!!! Your blog is so beautifully designed.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Helen! :-)
DeleteI enjoyed both versions, but i like the rewrite a bit more, for as Rosemary has pointed out, it is crisper. I think we can look forward to rewriting old poems when we run out of ideas. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, dsnake1. Probably like everyone else, I’ve got a “million” of old notebooks full of poems and fragments. :-)
DeleteThe re-write conveys the sadness of the loss, but it also brings the sweetness and joy of having been together more upfront.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Rommy. Your words bring me joy.
DeleteThe imaginary rustle of the candy bag makes it all!
ReplyDeleteHe rustled through his bag of penny candy a lot. :-)
Delete