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Revisit, Revise, Renew


This week’s prompt for Friday Writings at Poets and Storytellers United is to rewrite a discarded poem or slice of prose from long ago. So, I went digging into notebooks past and found a poem I wrote after the First Husband’s Spirit soared into the Universe 27 years ago. I give you first, my rewrite. 

Lemon Drops and Jelly Beans

yellow, red, purple, pink


lemon drops, yellow

jelly beans—red, purple, and pink—

sealed in your glass jar

sitting on your desk

for how many months

only the sun seeing it

I see it now only

clearing out your desk

music in the background

drowning my melancholy

the imaginary rustle of your candy bag


yellow, red, purple, pink 


©️Susan Echaore-McDavid


Here’s the original piece.


Lemon drops and Jelly Beans


yellow, red, purple, pink

how many months old

sealed in your glass jar

sitting on your desk

only the sun seeing it

me seeing it now only

because I’m cleaning up

Jennifer Warren of the

early 80s singing out

my melancholy

and I hear someone

out there with your

voice calling, making

noises as you did

   ♾️


To check out other writers, head over to Friday Writings.



Comments

  1. Hi Susie, nice to meet you! Thanks for your visits on my blog. Have a great weekend! Hugs, Valerie

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  2. I had to change browsers to comment. These are simply beautiful. Have a very nice day and thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you again at my blog.

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    1. Thanks! Seems like anytime Blogger makes a change of some sort, the ability to make comments go off kilter. I appreciate you persevering to make it work.

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  3. Love the revised refined version My favourite line "the imaginary rustle of your candy bag' and love how you ended with the colours again

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  4. Both are sweet, moving, and ultimately joyous – and yes, the second version is crisper and thereby has more impact. This exercise (as demonstrated by a number of us) really lends weight to Wordsworth's 'emotion recollected in tranquility'.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Rosemary. This was a very interesting to edit a draft decades later rather than days or weeks later.

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  5. I agree with Marja and Rosemary. The second is crisp with no distractions. For me the "Jennifer Warren of the early 80s" took me away on a rabbit trail. The second version kept me on point and mood. I love the last line.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, Debi. Back then, I had a Jennifer Warren album that was my go to hear when I was feeling off.

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  6. I like both versions, but there is such power in the rewrite. The imagery and feelings have simmered, evolved. There is still grief, but not the kind that makes us want to fall on our knees and sob.

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  7. Did you enjoy getting to dig in and rewrite? It's nice to rework older pieces.

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    Replies
    1. The editor in me took over, which is fun and satisfying. The moment of the poem was like it was yesterday at the same so long ago.

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  8. wow - 27 years. What a piece to revisit. Peace to you and good call on the Jennifer Warrens.

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  9. I had chills all over as I read both versions ... your rewrite is amazing!!!! Your blog is so beautifully designed.

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  10. I enjoyed both versions, but i like the rewrite a bit more, for as Rosemary has pointed out, it is crisper. I think we can look forward to rewriting old poems when we run out of ideas. :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, dsnake1. Probably like everyone else, I’ve got a “million” of old notebooks full of poems and fragments. :-)

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  11. The re-write conveys the sadness of the loss, but it also brings the sweetness and joy of having been together more upfront.

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  12. The imaginary rustle of the candy bag makes it all!

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    Replies
    1. He rustled through his bag of penny candy a lot. :-)

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Thanks for the good cheer. :-)

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